December 21^st, 2009

Work went good today. Told Jenkins that if he didn’t work harder, I’d have his ass out on the street faster than he could say “welfare check.” He said something about having a crippled kid and needing the job real bad, so I told him he better quit yapping and get back to work. Haha. I love screwing with that guy. Such an easy target.

December 22^nd, 2009

Some willowy old fart gave me a dirty look today. Just kept staring from outside the Starbucks window. So I closed my laptop and went out and I was all, “Dude, what do you want?” and he was all doom and gloom and said something about dead guys visiting me over the next three nights. Yeah, okay. I gave him a ten spot cause I’m a super nice guy like that and told him to go get his next fix. He looked at it in his hand for a long time then crumpled it in his fist and hobbled away without so much as a “thank you.” Junkies, I tell you.

It ruined my day so much I had to go yell at Jenkins for like an hour to get all my anger out. He just looked at me all confused like, “what did I do?” I came back to my office and totally felt better. Can’t wait to go home for steak and crack open that ‘85 Cabernet Sauvignon from the cellar.

December 23^rd, 2009

So last night some pale little teenager came into my house. I was eating and looked behind me and he was standing over my shoulder with his eyes wide open all quiet and staring like a creep. I punched him right in the mouth and he freaked out, yelling something about “respecting the future generations” or some crap. He had chains on his arms and the noise from his stumbling was so damn loud… think it woke up the neighbors. I know they’re going to complain when I get home tonight. Stupid kids and their ridiculous fashion statements.

Anyway, he gets up and he’s like, “Come with me, look to the past, when things were better,” or something esoteric and stupid like that. I think I’d had a little too much wine so I said okay because he looked kind of like this kid I used to make fun of in middle school, but he died in some car accident in high school. I’m pretty sure I passed out right there at the table though because I had this crazy dream about my childhood where I got the Nerf gun I wanted and I was all happy and didn’t quite hate my parents so much yet. Made me feel pretty good. When I woke up, I was on the floor with a mouthful of potatoes and jangles was gone. I think he stole some of my silverware, the little bastard.

Anyway, felt pretty good when I got to work today. Even complimented Jenkins on his shoes, though they look like crap. What can I say? I’m a super nice guy.

December 24^th, 2009

I was just reading a book last night, kinda nodding off, when I looked up and this guy I fired last year was standing there looking at me all sad. I told him he wasn’t going to get his job back and I already replaced him with Sarah, who has huge tits and is very, very hot. He didn’t seem to pay much attention to that. He had chains on his arms too, which I didn’t even notice until he threw his hands up in the air and started wailing about how I’m ‘mistreating poor Jenkins’ and that he wanted me to go with him to see the life Jenkins is living. I told him I didn’t care what the hell Jenkins was doing but he kept grabbing at me trying to make me go so I got up and grabbed the rifle off the mantle and told him to get out. He was all like, “It won’t have any effect,” and I was like… that’s a challenge, dude. So I shot him in the foot and he looked up at me all shocked and jumped out the window, which, if I remember, wasn’t even open. Maybe it was; it got pretty cold in the room when he left, even with the fireplace roaring. I don’t know, I was tired. But he didn’t bleed or anything; I must have shot between his toes somehow. About time that guy had some luck. Too bad I have to call someone about fixing the hole in my floor. Goddammit.

I think I’ll yell at Jenkins a little when I go in today; it was his fault this guy showed up in the first place, after all. He probably hired him to do it or something. He’s just going to give me that clueless look again anyway, like he’s totally innocent. What a dick.

December 25^th, 2009

What’s with all these people keep barging into my house? Third night in a row. Need to get a locksmith over here and reinforce my doors with a laser net or something.

So I got back from a Christmas Eve party and I’m nailing this girl. Yeah, I’m banging her, saddled in and riding. She’s loving it too, Dos Equis sloshing in the night stand. Then she screams and I’m like “aw yeah girl,” but I turn where she’s looking and this old guy in his pajamas is staring at us, mouth open, not even blinking, like this was some kind of peep show! So I have to abandon ship and I’m up in this dude’s face, yelling, not even able to get the words out right because I’m so pissed. He looks up at me, totally ignoring the situation, and suddenly my bedroom was all rearranged but looks way sweeter, paintings on the wall and a ton of books on the shelves, hardwood floors and everything. Wardrobe full of Italian suits. He tells me we’re in the future to take a look on my life ten years from the present. I’m like, well this place looks pretty nice, so fine. I’m not even mad anymore.

The rest of my house looks amazing, new fireplace and hardwood floors on every floor, a sweet ass car in the driveway that I’d never even heard of. I guess it was the future though so that makes some sense. He tells me that I have gained all of this by the exploitation and suffering of others through my business. First thing I ask is, “Was it all legal?” and he nods so I’m like, who the hell cares? I do that to everyone already. He goes on about how I fired Jenkins and he lost his house and his wife left him and his crippled kid ends up living in halfway homes his whole life before getting addicted to cocaine and ending up on the street like his father. “Listen man,” I tell him, “I was gonna fire Jenkins right after the new year, so I could have told you that one.” He wanted to take me to see Jenkins but I wasn’t having any of that; I told him to show me more stuff I owned. I guess this surprised him because his mouth dropped open and he wouldn’t look away from me. That or he thought I was breathtakingly gorgeous. What can I say? Even old guys find me captivating.

So suddenly we’re standing on top of this huge building and he tells me it’s the conglomerate that further ruined the impoverish areas of the city. My conglomerate! Oh man. The place was huge. Swank as hell, too; even the doorman looked classy. He asked me how I felt about all this and I said it was awesome. He just shook his head kinda slow and sighed great big.

Next thing I know, I’m waking up in my bed and that girl I was boinking is gone. Whatever, I was gonna kick her out this morning anyway. I need to remember to call a carpenter soon about getting my floor and locks fixed. Got a big party to go to tonight too, so I’ll probably skip out of work tomorrow. Who’s going to fire me? I own everyone there! If that dream was any indication, I’ll own even more soon enough. My life is fucking awesome.