Spot Dodge: Archive

rwt1515: hey bro
 me: yes okay so tao lin is a writer
 rwt1515: yeah and he's asian too
 i read three of his things
 and he sent me a poem once
 me: i read some of his things
 and he never sent me a poem
 he sent me some stickers and i am unsure how to use them
 rwt1515: i got those too i might 'vandalize' the world to tell people about richard yates
 me: i dont think people will bother looking up what it is, even if they saw it
 they would think 'richard yates' in a monotone in their head but not remember 'tao lin' because it is not a normal type of name for people to remember
 rwt1515: the cover kind of looks like goatse except with less assholes
 me: so they will be in a book store and remember 'richard yates' and then look for richard yates books
 and yeah i think that is the point
 or maybe he just really likes seashells
 do you think we should spread rumors about tao lin having a sea conch fetish
 that he sticks his penor in them
 rwt1515: or he puts them in his asshole
 that's why he went for goatse
 me: he is trying to tell the world without just coming out and saying it
 my name is tao lin and i like stretching my bum to shredding diameters
 Sent at 7: 53 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: and inserting conch shells into it to preserve that state of bum stretchedness
 i don't think that's a word
 me: maybe it makes him feel 'complete'
 like vaginas + dildos
 maybe tao lin's entire life is a big vagina + dildo metaphor
 i dont think that makes any sense at all
 forget i said anything
 oh god
 rwt1515: richard yates must be his latest dildo to insert into his metaphorical vagina
 hopefully it will leave him satisfied
 me: it wont
 if tao lin's butt is anything like a girl's vagina
 it is never satisfied
 and always mildly disappointed
 maybe that is just my personal experience talking
 oh god
 shit, we have to stay ">70% on topic" for this to count
 now we have to write about tao lin and his books for an extra 30 something lines
 rwt1515: shit we're almost on topic
 didn't he sell shares of this book or something because he was low on cash?
 me: for $2000 each
 to five or six people i guess
 i dont know if he sold all of them
 some people said he bought the first one just to make other people think it was a 'lucrative' idea
 like how people playing guitars on the street put $2 of their own money in the hat to get some money flowing
 rwt1515: that makes sense
 me: maybe his mom/dad bought one/two of the other ones
 rwt1515: he's coming to a town near where i live to promote it
 me: if i had 2000 dollars, i would have bought one i think
 rwt1515: i'll go to that probably because i want the book and it'd be cool if it was signed
 me: even people who hate him buy his books just so they have specific examples of what to make fun of
 youll go to what
 rwt1515: a book tour stop he's making near where i live
 me: oh
 is he going to talk about it or just stand there
 and plaster himself with stickers that say "see a dentist" or something entirely unrelated to anything
 rwt1515: i think it could go either way
 i'd see a dentist if tao lin wore a sticker telling me to
 me: and only if?
 fanboy
 go kill urself LOL
 rwt1515: i go to the dentist every six months for routine cleanings
 me: j/k but seriously i kind of wish youd die
 rwt1515: the first image that comes up when you google 'toa lin' is him with his hands on a toilet
 me: i go to the dentist ever 4 months because im an over achiever
 ill bet tao lin has nice teeth
 since he doesnt eat meat or anything that really involves putting physical chewing effort into eating
 via drinking coffee/smoothies 90% of the time
 rwt1515: that's a large percentage of the time
 i wonder what his favorite smoothie flavor is
 me: he rarely talks about ingesting anything else
 i think he said 'blueberry' onetime
 he says in Shoplifting
 but those are details that i dont remember because i think veganism is 'fucking retarded'
 rwt1515: maybe he's doing it for the psychic powers
 me: not that drinking smoothies is specifically a 'vegan' thing
 does lauren have psychic powers?
 she has 'preachy' powers though
 psychinc and preachy both start with a p, thats close right?
 rwt1515: kind of, but she's mostly a bitch
 me: you said it, not me
 (but i agree)
 i wonder if tao lin is a 'preachy vegan bitch' in real life
 rwt1515: she's not going to read this but maybe she will i don't think she likes tao lin
 me: he says/i have heard he is very quiet in real life
 rwt1515: i could use a quiet asian friend
 me: maybe he just has inner preachy thoughts
 maybe he thinks very loudly
 hoping people will hear him
 via psychic powers
 rwt1515: maybe we'll hit it off at the book tour and i'll become a groupie
 me: LOOK AT THAT I MADE A CONNECTION
 maybe youll have homosexual intercourse with him in the back of his tour bus/van/car/motortricle
 /sidecar
 rwt1515: it'd be heterosexual because i am the dildo to his vagina
 me: do you think tao lin is a 'pitcher' or 'catcher'
 rwt1515: it'd be self love i guess
 a pitcher if he's quiet in real life
 me: what
 rwt1515: he has to assert himself somehow
 me: you mean catcher then
 oh
 no i dont think it works that way
 he has not stretched his bum with conch shells for nothing
 it is so he can take 'fat fan cocks'
 this is gross
 i dont want to talk about his butt anymore, i feel filthy
 rwt1515: yeah let's talk about his books
 eeeee eee eeee was good
 me: yes it has animals
 rwt1515: i felt like the talking animals were almost gimmicky but he controlled it enough
 me: i read it like a year ago so i dont remember all the details
 i remember the dolphin killing elijah wood in a very roundabout way
 rwt1515: it's about people being 'fucked' but all of his stuff is about that
 not literally being fucked though
 me: yeah thats why i read it
 sometimes literally
 but its always kind of hinted at
 he never directly addresses it, i dont think
 except in that short story he did
 about that guy fucking his girlfriend
 rwt1515: i don't remember that one
 me: i can find a link
http: //www.nerve.com/fiction/lin/sexafternotseeingeachother
 great now i have to sit here while you read it
 rwt1515: i'll read it later
 me: okay
 rwt1515: someone is making a movie out of eeeee eee eeee
 me: i read about that, i think it is a terrible idea
 i wonder if they will cast michael cera as the role of the main character
 he is already ruining Scott Pilgrim, he may as well ruin EEEEE EEE EEEE too
 rwt1515: michael cera is 'extremely overrated'
 me: here is my impression of michael cera in every movie he has ever been in:
 Sent at 8: 17 PM on Tuesday
 me: oh hello i am [name]. oh im kind of nerdy in an INDIE sort of way. my pants are just a little too short and it shows off my sweet CONVERSE SHOES. oh look a girl i like but shell never notice me because i am too quiet in an INDIE sort of way. i need to do something zany to give this movie a point. oh now i am awkwardly stealing a car/alcohol, oh now i am awkwardly running from the police/someone who does not like me too much. oh now i am dealing with confrontation too feebly in an INDIE sort of way. oh the girl noticed me but i am too shy in an INDIE sort of way. i keep stuttering in an INDIE sort of way. lets do one more zany thing but not as zany as the first thing oh the girl wants me now because she realizes i am a good person in an INDIE sort of way THE END ROLL CREDITS"
 Sent at 8: 21 PM on Tuesday
 me: how was that, do i get to star in "Michael Cera: The Movie"?
 rwt1515: yes
 except you don't get laid because we have already discussed that you can't satisfy 'the ladies'
 me: because they are always disappointed, yes
 it is a fact girls like being called 'ladies'
 maybe i should call them 'ladies' more often to increase my intake of poon
 rwt1515: good idea
 me: hello, lllllladiieesss
 rwt1515: i just watched a video of tao lin talking about his coin collection
 me: MAXIMUM POON LEVEL REACHED
 i watched that too and he is hard to listen too
 he talks so flatly and it makes me not interested and thirsty
 rwt1515: we can't even win that with this contest i don't know why i watched it all
 me: i think you have to do the movie one
 rwt1515: yeah that happened to me too so i got some lemonade
 me: its like his monotone is because his mouth is too dry and scratchy
 and then i get dry mouth
 and then i drink lots of water or dr pepper or whatever i have nearby
 maybe i should drink a 'smoothie'
 if i put dr pepper in a blender and turn it on, is it a smoothie after?
 rwt1515: you need some ice and something to give it texture
 me: who can afford ice
 rwt1515: my dad hates dr pepper
 me: then your dad hates freedom
 rwt1515: yeah i guess
 me: i think tao lin hates freedom, vaguely
 if we were not free, we would be forced into labor in some form and he would not lead such a listless life, literary achievement aside
 rwt1515: if he does, he does it vaguely or else the right wing would rape him and that is a dildo he does not want in his vagina
 me: but then he would write about the horrid life of the factories
 rwt1515: yeah, he would write the hell out of those factory conditions
 me: like this was 1930s america or whatever i dont know when factories existed on a mass scale
 rwt1515: he would help us realize how much more fucked we are than we thought we were
 me: but at least we would have steady jobs
 dangerous ones where we could easily throw ourselves into grinders or vats of molten lead at any time we wanted to
 but i dont think tao is depressed
 he made a graph
 with circles
 and depression was a big circle a few years ago but now it is a very small circle
 and detachment is a large circle
 is detachment any worse than depression?
 i think he would argue that it is better
 actually i dont think he'd argue it at all because he is too detached to really 'process' his own detachment/lack of depression
 rwt1515: probably. it's better i think because you can just sit there and not deal with it because either way you have no satisfaction
 me: i gues
 i scratched my leg and kind of smashed one of my balls
 it hurts pretty bad
 i feel like i am having my period
 rwt1515: ouch
 me: all this blood is gumming up my keyboard
 so i bought Gravity's Rainbow today
 it is kind of the exact opposite of tao lin's writing
 it is too detailed and i think most paragraphs are like 1/2 a page and one long sentence with lots of commas
 but i bought it because i was told it was a hard read and i guess i felt like punishing myself
 if id known i was going to crush my ball tonight, i could have saved the 20 dollars
 rwt1515: this review of richard yates says that the back cover was misleading
 me: how so
 rwt1515: it was misleading on the other books to i think
 me: kind of
 oh, the back cover of Shpotlifting has an error
 rwt1515: "one would expect, going in, that the scandal which supposedly holds the weight of the novel would actually sustain itself as a scandal. Which happens to be so little the case that it’s kind of funny"
 me: well same with Shoplifting
 the actual arrest is just this small portion of the book
 rwt1515: yeah, i think his books can't just be easily condensed into a paragraph
 me: but the back of the book says "The inmate with a mop held back the inmate without a mop" but in the actuall text, its the opposite
 which is a stupid error
 rwt1515: other than saying 'this book is about people who live fucked lives and continue to be fucked throughout the novel'
 me: or
 sam does some things, one of those things is getting arrested but it isnt that big of a deal. he does other stuff after
 but thats kind of a spoiler
 or something
 i listened to the band Leftover Crack because he references it in a story from Bed
 they are okay but not all their songs have that 'ska' feel
 so i didnt really like it that much
 same with Choking Victim, which i saw on a hoodie he was wearing in a facebook picture
 rwt1515: he has a defiance, ohio shirt it said in one blog entry. i might see them in september if it's cheap
 me: i dont like 'punk music'
 i dont like defiance ohio either
 i just deleted three of their albums off my itunes yesterday
 because i never listened to it
 i think that i would not get along with him
 because i put a big emphasis on musical taste in my 'meeting new people' conversations
 i think that makes me an asshole
 rwt1515: yeah, but who isn't these days?
 i sometimes like 'punk music' but not all the time
 me: the closest think i like to punk is Punkin Pie
 who are amazing
 rwt1515: my music taste is crazy inconsistent
 me: subjectively
 that means you dont know who you are
 and you have no sense of self
 and i pity you
 j/k lol
 but not entirely
 so i have read some of tao lin's poetry
 and i have not really liked it that much
 i dont have the books but i read some stuff i found online
 rwt1515: i've only read the poem that he sent me
 me: is it about ugly fish
 rwt1515: nope it's about eating tacos and being bad at relationships
 it's nine lines
 me: nice
 sounds interesting to me
 rwt1515: i thought it was interesting
 want to hear it?
 me: no, since this will be published on his blog
 he wrote it for YOU, MAN
 rwt1515: oh yeah this should be a secret
 me: dont belittle the sentiment
 rwt1515: i won't, i'll keep it secret, keep it safe
 the poem smells like mint but i think it's from the drawer it was in
 me: do you think he wears mint cologne
 rubs mint leaves on his neck before going out
 do you thin he will ever grow his hair out
 he would look like a pop punk drummer if he grew his hair out
 rwt1515: he would
 but i think he will keep it short
 me: i think he should grow it out anyway
 and do the typical asian 'thin mustache + chin hair" combo since asian people cannot grow full beards that often
 i think charles bukowski would approve of him, physically
 but only if tao farted every few minutes
 because bukowski fucking loves writing about farts
 LOVES the farts
 rwt1515: fartkowski
 me: fartles poopkowski
 rwt1515: are we going to make the >70% quota?
 me: i dont know. we are at around 300 lines now
 we may need to do like 700
 rwt1515: okay we can do it
 me: if tao lin was dead, his spirit would be with us
 i think that tao lin is one of the writers that would get more famous if he killed himself
 rwt1515: like kurt cobain
 me: that would be his final publicity stunt
 yes
 he would do it by eating meat and his body would rebel against itself
 i had a friend in high school that ate chicken broth after not having eaten meat for 2 years, and she got really really sick
 so maybe if he ate a steak after eating meat for like 10 years or more, he would pretty much die instantly
 after not eating*
 rwt1515: that'd be such an odd way to die because it's mundane but still interesting
 me: mundane but purposeful
 gawker would be like 'tao l in died today because his body tried to digest a small steak"
 rwt1515: tao lin seems pretty nice/down to earth because he's giving away free books
 me: i agree
 but that has not stopped us from talking about his butt/his suicide
 rwt1515: he'll be fine with it, he's pretty down to earth
 me: if he feels any emotions about it at all
 we will just be lines of text on a screen to him
 Sent at 9: 00 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: damn
 it must be cool to be famous enough that people are just lines of text to you
 are depressing
 or
 i meant "or" not "are"
 me: gotch
 a
 shit
 i have to work three days in a row, 8am to 3pm
 tao lin doesnt have to work
 or, he chooses not to
 rwt1515: he survives without 'working' he just writes
 me: when i say work i mean employment
 rwt1515: i'm getting a job soon because i'm not creative or interesting enough to make money without being employed
 and i'm in high school
 me: i have three jobs because im not creative or interesting enough to make money without employment
 did tao go to college
 rwt1515: maybe i'll look it up on wikipedia
 Sent at 9: 06 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: wikipedia doesn't know but he is a member of the nyu network according to facebook
 his blog says he has a b.a. in journalism from nyu
 so yes he did
 Sent at 9: 08 PM on Tuesday
 me: ill bet he owes lots of money for loans
 unless his parents are rich and payed for him
 in which case, i feel jealousy
 Sent at 9: 10 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: i think a skunk lives in my yard
 Sent at 9: 14 PM on Tuesday
 me: do you have a black female cat that recently got a stripe of paint down its back?
 rwt1515: y'know what, we do. that makes so much more sense
 Sent at 9: 17 PM on Tuesday
 me: just check for its green card
 it probably doesnt have one, so you can send him back to france
 rwt1515: good idea
 i'm going to do the dishes i will be back
 Sent at 9: 19 PM on Tuesday
 me: yes okay
 Sent at 9: 22 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: the dishes are clean
 Sent at 9: 30 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: i'm excited to read richard yates i hope it doesn't suck
 do you think he will allow us to get it for free as a result of this contest?
 me: if he decides we talked about him enough to satisfy his standards/ego
 Sent at 9: 33 PM on Tuesday
 me: we started out strong and now we are not really saying anything
 he have an agenda
 we must talk about tao lin in every way we can think of
 rwt1515: we already talked about his butt hole
 me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIS USE OF 'SCARE QUOTES'
 he used to use apostrophes but now he is using real quotes
 why do you think he changed that
 rwt1515: because he's a sellout
 the quote industry is paying him to use quotes all the time it is a giant conspiracy
 they are trying to run apostrophes out of business
 me: to do that they would have had to put a copyright on quotes and apostrophes
 so that means every time i use quotes or apostrophes without the consent of their respective companies, i am using them illegally
 oh my god
 i have a book of quotes in the bathroom. i need to flush it before my house gets raided
 Sent at 9: 40 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: how many times do you think tao lin has been arrested for shoplifting
 me: twice
 well
 he got arrested again recently for going into the store he stole those sony headphones from
 he wrote a thing on it at gawker
http: //gawker.com/5595952/an-account-of-being-arrested-for-trespassing-nyus-bookstore
 rwt1515: i'm reading that right now, he references being banned from whole foods and american apparel
 so he must have shoplifted from whole foods at some point
 me: yeah
 so i guess at least 3 times
 rwt1515: i've never shoplifted and i've never really had the 'urge' to
 me: i have shoplifted bags of chips and candy bars and boxes of tic tacs and other things that are so cheap i feel ashamed for having stolen them
 when i was little i used to steal video games from my neighbor, who was a jerk
 the neighbor kid, who was my age, i feel i should clarify
 not that it makes it any better
 i wonder if tao always stole shit
 or if he started when he needed to make money via selling stolen batteries on ebay
 rwt1515: who buys batteries on ebay?
 Sent at 9: 48 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: i like the cover art for eeeee eee eeee
 and bed
 Sent at 9: 50 PM on Tuesday
 me: me too
 i like the simplicity of Shoplifting's cover
 but all the novellas by Melville House are like that
 rwt1515: tao lin's art is really simple
 but not really in a bad way
 i like his construction paper stuff
 Sent at 9: 54 PM on Tuesday
 me: i dont understand his obsession with hamsters
 he has his hamster drawings tattooed on his arm
 and all the 'types of hamsters' on his blog
 i dont get it
 why hamsters
 the only thing worse than hamsters are rabbits
 rabbits suck
 if you ever have a girlfriend that wants to buy a rabbit, break up with her immediately
 rabbits have no personalities and they poop everywhere and chew up EVERYTHING
 EVERYTHING
 EVERY
 THING
 hamsters are the same but at least they are smaller
 tao does not seem like the kind of person who would want to deal with such annoying animals all day
 rwt1515: maybe he's all vegan except for hamster mean
 t
 he raises them and then eats them
 me: maybe. he knows a lot about cooking them
 i just dont like rodents
 they dont 'freak me out' but they make me want to 'stop conversing with the person who owns them'
buying a hamster means one of two things: 
 1. you are six years old and your parents dont want to deal with a dog/cat
 rwt1515: it bothers me when people say conversating instead of conversing
 me: 2. you are incredibly desperate for something alive to give affection to but you are too fucking poor to afford a real pet, like a dog/cat
 rwt1515: maybe tao only ever had hamsters because he's allergic to cats
 me: then get a dog
 and if hes allergic to both cats and dogs, then there would probably be no desire to own a pet at all
 rwt1515: i wonder how allergic he is to cats. do you think it's deathly?
 me: i dont think he is allergic to cats
 i feel like that is something he would have mentioned at some point
 in some way
 rwt1515: facebook says he is
 me: oh
 shit
 well then maybe it is deadly
 he should buy a dog
 something that is low energy and doesnt require a ton of stimulation
 i dont think they make dogs like that though
 rwt1515: he could buy a dying dog
 or one of those robot dogs
 me: the sony robot dogs
 he could try to shoplift one
 Sent at 10: 07 PM on Tuesday
 me: do you think tao lin is opposed to cheetos
 because it is some kind of cheese powder
 rwt1515: they probably use some kind of milk in it
http: //www.goodreads.com/review/show/113288576
 that made me laugh
 me: is there a review, like words?
 or is he just giving it one star with no reasoning
 Sent at 10: 11 PM on Tuesday
 me: its not really a review if there is no actual review
 rwt1515: i didn't see a review
 i think people just hate things because they like to
 me: thats like saying 'heres a corndog' but its just the stick with a little bit of breading at the base
 Sent at 10: 13 PM on Tuesday
 me: i like when people say they like 'rock music'
 that doesnt mean anything
 do you think tao lin would describe his musical tastes as enjoying 'rock music'
 he can be very vague sometimes
 and 'rock' is the vaguest musical genre in the world
 rwt1515: yeah, i bet he would
 some bands on myspace list their genres as rock/rock/rock
 me: it is better than listing INDIE/INDIE/INDIE
 rwt1515: and then i go 'i don't know what that means i will listen to one song and then make my final decision on you'
 me: because INDIE is not a genre
 it means independent re labels
 rwt1515: yeah
 me: i knew a kid in college who would actively tell people he liked 'INDIE things,' like when he was introducing himself to them
 he wore black square-framed glasses and tshirts with random screenprints of old photos that held zero significance to him
 he just liked them becuase they were 'vintage' or whatever the shit
 rwt1515: seems pretty alt
 me: he was dating my best friend's ex girlfriend and was also an english major so i saw him more often than i ever wanted to
 he had the same bag as me and told me on more than one occasion that we were 'bag buddies'
 i imagine my shivering was visible
 Sent at 10: 20 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: i hope he reads this chat because he reads tao lin and then clicked and saw your name and then felt embarrassed and stupid
 me: maybe
 Sent at 10: 22 PM on Tuesday
 me: he probably doesnt know who tao lin is because his definition of 'INDIE' involved wearing CONVERSE SHOES,listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and reading Kurt Vonnegut
 i may be giving him more credit than he deserves; he may not know who kurt vonnegut is either
 which is okay
 but it just seems like 'entry-level knowledge' for an INDIE person
 rwt1515: does tao lin like kurt vonnegut?
 me: like how people who like classical have to know who Bach was
 oh i dont know if he does
 i read a list of influential writers and i didnt know any of them
 rwt1515: i bet that kid read on the road by jack kerouac and wanted to take a year off and just walk around
 me: yeah but who wouldnt
 Sent at 10: 26 PM on Tuesday
 me: Lorrie Moore was one of them
 i read a few pages from her book Self Help but didnt really 'get into it'
 Sent at 10: 28 PM on Tuesday
 me: tao said that her writing influenced a few stories in Bed though
 but her writing style doesnt seem at all like his
 maybe i didnt read enough
 rwt1515: i've never heard of her
 Sent at 10: 33 PM on Tuesday
 me: yeah
 Sent at 10: 34 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: sometimes i end up on tao lin's facebook page and a lot of people ask him about rooms in brooklyn
 me: like he is a realtor
 ask him if he can hook you up with an asian girl
 all asians know eachother
 its the same thing with black people
 this is pretty common knowledge
 just like if you go to mexico or something, all the white people are best buds
 rwt1515: that's real life motherfucker
 me: damn, seems harsh
 rwt1515: it's sad that gmail chat recognizes motherfucker as a word
 it was not squiggled
 me: i think i have explained pretty thoroughly how diverse the word 'motherfucker' is
 rwt1515: yeah it was in your story and i liked it
 what type of kid was tao lin in high school
 me: quiet loner who drew gundam characters and robots on all his notebooks
 lots of unrequited love
 maybe was in band
 played oboe
 rwt1515: oboes suck
 me: thats racist man you cant say that
 rwt1515: double reeded instruments are like ear rape
 me: hey lets all express our opinions
 looking at your smile is like eye rape
 im sorry, i dont mean it
 you are a charming, wonderful man
 rwt1515: you just want me for my hot bod
 me: man our bodies are like 97% the same
 so, yes
 Sent at 10: 42 PM on Tuesday
 me: tao lin has the same body type as us
 rwt1515: we should have a bony threesome
 me: oh god
 that is so gross
 i cant even think about it without squeeing my eyes shut very tight and shaking my head hard
 squeezing
 i cannot believe this is potentially going on the internet
 rwt1515: even if it doesn't meet the requirements it is going on the internet
 he posts a link regardless
 me: true
 and we have to post it somewhere first
 i dont know if i should put it on my site or one of my stupid livejournal
 minus 'one of'
 rwt1515: website
 me: was gonna write 'one of my blogs' but decided to be specific
 rwt1515: it seems more legitimate if it's on your tumblr
 me: posting this will probably make me lose half of my 20 fans
 i asked tao lin to read my site and give me feed back but he never did at all
 i asked him twice, once in an email and once over facebook
 i will never ever send him another email or fb message again because i think i am probably very annoying to him
 rwt1515: he's probably too busy for 'lowlifes like you'
 me: right
 rwt1515: or we could just hardcore spam him until he likes us
 that's how the internet works
 me: yeah that always works
 he's like mean joe green and we're the little kid but instead of throwing us his jersey, he chugs the coke and thows the empty bottle at our head
 or he throws us some stolen batteries
 Sent at 10: 51 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: i'm glad that mean joe green made it into this conversation
 Sent at 10: 52 PM on Tuesday
 me: and that we compared him to tao lin
 thats like comparing michael cera to... i dont know, someone with acting talent?
 ANYONE ELSE
 rwt1515: steve buscemi
 me: sure, why not
 even jack black is more interesting than michael cera
 INDIE
 INDIE INDIE
 i feel like if tao lin existed 20 years ago, he'd still be just as famous/hated
 but if michael cera existed 20 years ago, he would be working at a gas station
 and by 'existed' i mean, at their current age
 that was stupid
 rwt1515: except his books wouldn't include gmail chat or american apparel
 me: damn
 okay how about 15 years ago
 substitute 'gmail' for 'aol chat rooms', and 'american apparel' for 'jnco' and youre all set
 and michael cera would be working at a starbucks i guess
 rwt1515: that works
 gas stations existed fifteen years ago, in fact they still exist
 me: yeah but starbucks is more INDIE
 i dont even know if starbucks existed in 1995
 if not, then not long after
 i wonder if tao lin used to drink at starbucks
 was he ever not a vegan
 rwt1515: he had to be unless he never ingested breast milk
 me: maybe he didnt
 it is 'scientifically proven' that babies fed real breast milk grow up to be 'smarter'
 that is one of my questions when im on a first date with a girl
 'did your mom breast feed you?'
 it is kind of personal, but innocent enough that they usually answer me
 and if they say 'no' then i can assume that it will be our only date
 i wonder if tao has ever dated a 'really unintelligent' girl
 and if that was difficult for him
 rwt1515: what kind of chicks does he like
 Sent at 11: 04 PM on Tuesday
 me: i dont know, i dont think he's ever really said
 rwt1515: i bet he likes fat chicks
 me: thats funny
 rwt1515: not really, tao lin i do not think you like fat chicks
 me: he has admitted to having a small penis though
 rwt1515: how small? like six inches?
 me: and with fat chicks, there is a certain amount of your penis that does not actually penetrate
 via big ol' butts gettin in the way
 wtf 'like six inches'
 rwt1515: that was a 'make you feel inadequate' joke
 me: well it worked
 fucker
 h8u
 rwt1515: u bro
 me: go 2 hell
 rwt1515: gmail chat has the cutest emoticons, btwz
 me: yeah thats painfully adorable
 rwt1515: i bet that's why tao lin uses it
 me: do you think its the asian in him
 his instinctual love for cute things
 rwt1515: definitely
 me: do you think tao lin's friends call him 'tao lin' or just 'tao'
 rwt1515: i was just thinking about that
 and most of them probably just call him tao but some call him tao lin
 me: saying tao lin is like saying towlin', like short for towling
 rwt1515: yeah
 me: like i am towling off after a hot shower and am all slick with moisture
 dripping
 so wet
 rwt1515: 
 me: oh jesus
 we broke 500 lines awhile ago btw, but im having fun with this
 rwt1515: yeah, me too
 Sent at 11: 13 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: does tao lin like cold or warm weather more
 i'd say cold because he lives in new york now
 me: probably cold because he lives in nyc and all his pictures show him wearing a jacket of some kind
 or hoodie or sweater or whatever
 Sent at 11: 14 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: do you think he eats a lot of chocolate?
 does he bake his own chocolate desserts?
 me: bro he is a vegan
 that means no milk because it is UNNATURAL
 VIA YOUR SISTER
 rwt1515: he can eat dark chocolate
 me: yeah or chocolate with soy milk or something
 would that even work?
 rwt1515: i feel like it wouldn't
 it seems like it would be unsound in some way
 me: yeah like trying to make bread with cocaine instead of flour
 that was not a good analogy, i apologize
 rwt1515: i heard these dumb kids talking once and they thought vegans only wore hemp
 and i wanted to slap them
 me: i think they call those hippies
 but its not really a moral choice, its just an aesthetic
 Sent at 11: 20 PM on Tuesday
 me: like flipflops 24/7 and smelling like shit
 via not bathing ever
 rwt1515: yeah
 me: i wonder if tao lin bathes
 he never mentioned it in Shoplifting
 he said stuff about going to bed and waking up but never showering or anything, did he?
 rwt1515: i can't remember
 me: i dont think he did
 nobody ever talks about going to the bathroom in books either
 rwt1515: i bet he takes short showers every three days
 me: maybe
 rwt1515: because his hair is short and black so you can't tell if it's greasy and he seems like he wouldn't reek
 but he claims that his is clean on facebook
 so maybe he showers everyday
 me: he is asian and asians generally have less apocrine sweat glands
 thus, less stink
 rwt1515: that's science
 me: which gives the appearance/smell of cleanliness
 Sent at 11: 25 PM on Tuesday
 me: http://www.johnnywander.com/ new johnny wander is funny
 rwt1515: i like johnny wander a lot
 Sent at 11: 26 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: what do you think the hardest drug tao lin has done is?
 me: maybe ecstasy or cocaine
 i dont know which one is 'harder'
 probably not heroin because he seems to prefer pills
 Sent at 11: 29 PM on Tuesday
 me: maybe he would like heroin if it was a suppository
 since we havent talked about his asshole in a while
 rwt1515: he'd have to problem with it thanks to the conch shells
 he uses those bad boys like anal beads
 me: yes, that makes it quite easy for him, im sure
 you know what we should have done
 his contest says '500+ gmail chat lines' because '1 line = 2 words'
 so we should have just done one word at a time
 rwt1515: that seems like it's 'cheating the system'
 me: like id say 'tao' you say 'lin' i say 'smoothie' you say 'vegan' &c until we have posted 500 words
 it is as awesome loophole that someone will probably steal if they read this
 rwt1515: i respect him too much to abuse his generosity
 me: and i will not be upset if they do
 yeah but come on. thats creative
 i dont know if i could come up with 500 words that describe tao lin in some form, standing on their own
 that is a lot of individual descriptors
 rwt1515: let's try
 asian
 vegan
 depressed
 me: detached
 vegan
 richard
 yates
 EEEEE
 rwt1515: fucked
 me: EEE
 EEEE
 Bed
 rwt1515: goatse
 me: conch
 stretched
 dildo
 rwt1515: bony
 me: shoplift
 sony
 apple
 rwt1515: hamster
 me: existential
 rwt1515: lonely
 me: antisocial
 introverted
 single
 city
 rwt1515: clean
 me: INDIE
 oh shit i fucked it up
 c-c-c-combo breaker
 ugh
 ill bet we could get like 100 but after that it would be really abstract and vague descriptors
 rwt1515: 500 is a lot of things
 me: could be like
 skin
 molecules
 hair
 shirt
 rwt1515: jeans
 me: pants
 trousers
 shoes
 rwt1515: hoodie
 jacket
 me: sweater
 vneck
 no i dont want to do this
 thats no fun unless i planned it all out ahead of time
 so we could do it real quick
 but sitting here agonizing over how to describe him in one word is booooorriinngggg
 rwt1515: damn straight
 what should i listen to? what would tao listen to if he were me?
 Sent at 11: 41 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: my deodorant smells good i think
 me: something you would probably not enjoy completely
 i have been listening to Mineral a lot this week
 rwt1515: i don't have any mineral
 me: its is a 90's midwestern emo band
 and they are just great
 Sent at 11: 45 PM on Tuesday
 me: http://laurenleto.wordpress.com/readers-by-author/ some of these kind of make no sense
"cormac mccarthy: men who don't eat cream cheese" what?
 Sent at 11: 55 PM on Tuesday
 me: tao lin: failures who crave some sort of validation/reassurance that its probably okay to be a failure
 thats MY reason for liking his writing, anyway
 LAWL
 rwt1515: it's pretty accurate
 me: maybe i should make it more vague, to match these
tao lin: 20something men who are afraid of change
tao lin: people who have convinced themselves they dont need other people
 Sent at 11: 58 PM on Tuesday
 rwt1515: tao lin: people who realized that they're fucked
 me: its funny that reading tao lin makes me feel better about not having accomplished anything yet, even though he is my age and has published a bunch of books and has a massive following
 i think thats probably a pure example of 'irony'
 rwt1515: that is extract of irony
 me: cream of irony soup
 rwt1515: you could sell it to organic hipsters and they would drink it up
 me: it is so pure and untainted
 you could feed it to babies
 you could sell it at a catholic bake sale
 Sent at 12: 01 AM on Wednesday
 me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGF-qMIMlbQ&feature=related
 damn. love this song.
 Sent at 12: 05 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: me too
 Sent at 12: 06 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: damn that song made me feel 'sad' and now i feel like 'a pussy'
 me: yeah but i feel like its something id learn the cords to on ukulele and play for a future girlfriend
 because 1. i dont have a guitar and 2. ukulele is way more cutesy and girls seem to like that i guess
 i am incapable of being manly, so i opt for being cute instead
 rwt1515: i know what ya mean
 it comes with being lanky i think
 me: yeah pretty much
 still wish i was 'muscular' though
 thanks for nothing, genes
 Sent at 12: 11 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: i'm rockin' the mildly sunken chest look
 me: haha
 rwt1515: and by rockin' i mean that i always wear a t shirt and a plaid shirt on top of that
 me: every time i cuddle with a girl, they say something like 'youre so comfortable' and i think... what the fuck are you talking about
 youre basically resting your head on a ribcage with a canvas stretched across it
 Sent at 12: 13 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: i think tao lin has a slightly better bod than us
 me: how can you tell
 he always has a hoodie on
 rwt1515: i feel like he's less 'skin-and-bones' for some reason
 me: i look pretty good with a hoodie on too
 Sent at 12: 15 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: i need a good hoodie that fits
 where do you get yours?
 me: abercrombie and fitch haha
 its too big on me but its the only one ive ever bought thats been comfortable
 rwt1515: more like douchercrombie and bitch
 me: wow good one youre so clever its astonishing
 Sent at 12: 18 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: most of this chat has been us speculating about tao lin's ass
 Sent at 12: 22 AM on Wednesday
 me: yeah or talking about how he compares to other things
 Sent at 12: 26 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: i never like the scent of other people's houses
 it makes me uncomfortable
 what does tao lin's apartment smell like?
 probably sautéed vegetables
 me: or vegan soap
 he sais he cleans things with only water or some kind of soap
 i forget what he said but i remember thinking 'thats very vegan of him'
 rwt1515: 'Normally I only use water or organic soap for [anything cleaning-related].'
 seems 'pure'
 Sent at 12: 32 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: this made me feel alone and like i'm falling or somethinghttp://cognitive-behavioraltherapy.blogspot.com/
 Sent at 12: 35 AM on Wednesday
 me: when i read the sentence "it will take an extreme person to make me feel less alone" i read it as 'an extremely boring person' for some reason i dont understand. the word boring does not appear in the sentence above or below it at all
 rwt1515: that says something about you i think
 something depressing, no doubt
 Sent at 12: 38 AM on Wednesday
 me: maybe
 Sent at 12: 43 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: there's this guy who i want to be friends with who lives near me and he's like 22 and we've never actually talked but we facebook comment back and forth fairly often and he was kind of friends with lauren
 and his only friend is his girlfriend who also lives near me and they're both cool
 cool in a 'she has an etsy account where she sells vintage crap' kind of way
 Sent at 12: 45 AM on Wednesday
 me: why does he have no friend
 s
 rwt1515: i don't know, he just doesn't. he hangs out with his girlfriend all the time i think
 me: well go bro it up
 Sent at 12: 47 AM on Wednesday
 rwt1515: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjcOK2T0lPo
 tao lin is hilarious and half of these people are douches
 Sent at 12: 53 AM on Wednesday
 me: learned that song on ukulele
 that guy in the wife beater is staring so intently
 rwt1515: yeah, and there's one guy who starts dancing to it
 Sent at 12: 56 AM on Wednesday
 me: says whale twice: laugh. says whale three times: laugh more. says whale 10 times: silence. says whale 15 times: laugh again. rest of the poem: bouts of silence and uncomfortable laughter
 why do they keep laughing randomly
 Sent at 12: 58 AM on Wednesday
 me: what does he say at the end
 'its three [something something]"
 rwt1515: dollars over there, i think
 me: oh
 Sent at 1: 00 AM on Wednesday
 me: needless to say, i added it to my favorites
 im going to make my dad watch it tomorrow
 Sent at 1: 01 AM on Wednesday
 me: okay its one in the morning here, so i need to go to sleep. i have work in five hours
 rwt1515: it's one here as well
 but i don't work so i don't have any responsibilities
 Sent at 1: 03 AM on Wednesday
 me: well isnt that dandy
 gonna go 'graphic design' some business cards for a plumber or carpenter all damn day
 rwt1515: that's incredibly unexciting
 me: yes, it is numbing
 okay bye
 rwt1515: g'night